Roasting Arizona

Navajo, Hopi and Apache tribal police in Arizona staged a pre-dawn raid today and arrested nearly half of the population of Tucson.  The action came after the tribes agreed to abide by the state’s new immigration law, Senate Bill 1070, which requires police to arrest anyone who looks like they don’t belong. 

“Our legal people studied it pretty thoroughly,” said a Native American law enforcement spokesperson.  “We are confident we are adhering to the intent of the law. These folks just don’t fit in.  Sure, they say they have the right to be here, and they have all these papers and plastic cards and stuff, but they can’t name their tribes or their clans. That isn’t documentation, as far as we’re concerned.” 

Another law enforcement official (tasked with the duty of sweeping suspects out of specialty coffee shops in the city) defended the action.  “People say it’s racial profiling, but it’s not.  It’s common sense.  This is a desert.  Clearly these melanin-deficient types aren’t from around here.” 

A fictional Arizona legislator who asked to be anonymous because he doesn’t exist expressed shock over the tribes’ actions. “Sure, we passed the law,” he said, “but we never thought it would be applied to us!  That’s not fair!” 

The 253,447 suspects are being held in a series of East Tucson neighborhoods that have been converted to a detention center.  The American Society for the Salvation of White People (ASSWP) has protested the center, stating it is inhumane.  “These officers have lumped people together with no regard for generations of cultural enmity between groups.  They have put organic-shopping humus-eaters cheek-by-jowl with nachos-n-Nascar families; soccer moms forced to eat at the same restaurants with longhairs, grayhairs and snowbirds. It’s just not right!”  Amnesty International, who toured the facility this afternoon, however, found only one human rights violation.  That was a large-screen TV tuned to Jersey Shore

Detainees feel that the law is unfair and does not consider their contributions to Arizona’s history.  “How dare they?” said Bootsie McClyde, a recent detainee.  “We’re part of the fabric of the cloth of the, well, the whole patio awning of Arizona’s culture.  We have roots.  My family’s been in Tucson since 1993!” 

Natives, however, are less than sympathetic.  “These people deserve what they’re getting,” one person said.  “They came here without sanction of law, they brought disease, violence, crime and alcohol.  They fouled the air, the earth and the water, and they gave us six decades of bad TV.  Send ‘em back.” 

Tribal councils in New York, Minnesota and the Dakotas are watching the events with interest. 

The mega-operation has hit one glitch, the spokesperson said, and that is returning the suspected offenders to their countries of cultural heritage.   “Europe’s not returning our calls,” she said.  “No matter what number we try, it just goes to voicemail.”

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