The Maltese Omlette

M for Mystery Bookstore in San Mateo hosted the premiere performance of “The Maltese Omelette,” written by Michael Kurland. The play is performed in period costumes as a late 1930s radio play, complete with an announcer, a sponsor, and several commercial breaks.

Imagine the Maltese Falcon with every character as someone from a nursery rhyme. Sam Spud is a San Francisco detective and the libidinous Humpty Dumpty is his partner. When the alluring Ms. Muffet comes with a request for help, Humpty can’t resist her. Soon he is dead, scrambled, poached. Enter the gunsel Georgie Porgie and his boss, the sinister Wee Willie Winkie. You get the idea. Sound effects and music are included, and the show’s sponsor, Majestic Motor Oil, provides a plummy-voiced announcer who also reads the commercials. (“Majestic Motor Oil, your car will purr for it,” and later, “Remember, Majestic Motor oil spelled backwards is Lio rotom citsejam!”)

The performers of this pun-filled and hilarious bit of comedy included the author Michael Kurland himself (Humpty Dumpty) and several noted Bay Area writers including Cara Black, Marta Randall, Linda Robertson, Richard Lupoff and Peter Beagle. It is no coincidence that several of them have stories in the new Sherlock Holmes anthology edited by Kurland; Sherlock Holmes, the American Years, which was on sale (autographed) after the event.

It helped that the full house—all of the roughly 35 seats were taken, and there were some people standing around the edges—appreciated the references, groaned at the puns, and laughed at all the right places. We couldn’t get enough of the egg references: “That Dumpty, he thought he was pretty hard boiled,” or the surrealism, as when Georgie threatens Sam Spud—“It’s a lemon curd with double whipped cream—this pie is loaded!” There’s even a Dan Brown bit, when Wee Willie Winkie begins to explain in detail about how “Goosey Goosey Gander” is really an encoded map to the Maltese Goose:

“I came upon an old man/who would not say his prayers/I grabbed him by the left leg/ and threw him down the stairs.
“The left leg, Mr. Spud—the left.”

Writers are often considered introverted, but this group didn’t seem shy. The acting was good quality, with the two best performers portraying Ms. Muffet—who later reveals that her real name is Mary Q Contrary—and Sam Spud. Peter Beagle does double duty as both the violent gunsel—or would it be piesel?—Georgie, and as beat cop Jack Spratt. My friend and teacher Marta Randall does a fine job as the announcer, and Richard Lupoff manages to convey Sydney Greenstreet-like menace into his interpretation of Wee Willie Winkie. Actually, “interpretation” may be a bit grandiose for this performance. Cara Black provided sound effects and a bit part, and Linda Robertson did the music.

Like most live performances, there were glitches—most notably two with the sound effects. They just added to the fun.

M for Mystery is a wonderful mystery-themed bookstore. I hadn’t been there before but I will have to go back. The space is long and wide, filled with shelves on rollers, so setting up for their many author and writing/reading events is easy. Staff were wonderful, helpful, friendly and funny. The place is dedicated to mysteries but has other books as well, and is beautifully decorated with masks and posters of book covers. I didn’t get much time to browse the shelves (although I did manage to buy four books) and to do the place justice I would need at least two hours. There is a new coffee place, Kaffeehaus, just opened next door. Staff there were also friendly and upbeat. The coffee was a little bland, but the bakery case treats looked awesome and I’d be filling to force myself to try them again.

The group may perform the play again at Copperfield’s in Petaluma, and will be performing in the city during LitQuake in October. Dig out your spats,dust off the fedora, and plan to come on out!